>you can't even make a freakin' function!
Actually anonymous functions are first-class in Smalltalk, so you can store them in variables, and pass them as parameters and...
Does Java have functions? C#? Eiffel?
They are OO languages.
If a static final method counts as a function then just define a class side method in Smalltalk.
> a long diatribe
a not very informed diatribe :-(